In March and April of this year (2023), things got bad. Life felt unrelenting, work was stressing me out, and I could feel myself bogging down on the Wild Weasels. And the AK FJ43. Every time I’d fire up a build and intend to just kinda plow through it, I’d fall into some kind of hole and lose steam.
Turns out while I was feeling overwhelmed and burned out, there was another, deeper explanation – moderate to severe depression! Got diagnosed, got put on SSRIs, and have been dialing in doses with my doctor since then.
And things have gotten…better. Some days, it feels like getting new shocks on your car. You still feel the bumps, but they aren’t going to break your teeth. Other days, it feels like someone’s turned down the gain on a radio so that there’s a lot less static. I don’t get as overwhelmed, and when I do, I’m able to know it’s happening. Hard to explain.
Early in this depression journey, I boxed up everything I’d been working on. Needed a reset. And when I felt like I was starting to get a bit of traction again, I picked up Kotare’s Spitfire as a simple build to pass the time while the drugs kicked in. Great engineering, a simple kit, and a subject I don’t care about – seemed a good mix for a build low in fucks.
And…I finished it!
After finishing the Spit in early July, I was gone on vacation for a week and then immediately laid out by covid for another week. Between all the interruptions, and the heat, and the excitement of Nats, the bench hasn’t been super active lately.
But I’m starting to spin up projects again, and I’m thinking I was maybe chasing the wrong thing for the past, oh, years.
The Low Fucks Mojo Booster Supreme
Here’s the thing. I keep falling into this thing, particularly after finishing a massive project like the 1/32 FG-1D or 1/32 A-6E Intruder, of wanting something I can blow through quickly. If you go back and look at the number of times I’ve intended to tackle a build as a “speed run” or similar…it’s high.
I’ve been looking for things I could build without running out of fucks. But I didn’t realize I was already running out of fucks anyway. Because depression.
And that disconnect between wanting a low fuck experience and getting something that didn’t match up led to dissatisfaction and a desire to just get to the end…
Or it led me to abandon projects a certain distance through.
Looking back now that the drugs have kicked in, the fault in my reasoning is obvious. Conservation of fucks didn’t really matter, because it wasn’t the builds that was draining them. It was everything.
Now that I’ve patched the hole in my bucket of fucks (or at least recognize there is a potential for leakage), I’m contemplating a different path.
From Fewer Fucks to More Fucks
My favorite builds have never been the easiest, least rocky, fastest ones. They’ve been the FG-1D Corsair and the A-6E Intruder and the Trumpeter P-47 Razorback. The Me 262 with the collapsed gear strut that everyone kept asking about at Nats. They’ve taken time and sweat and effort. They haven’t been painless.
So why do I keep chasing painless?
I don’t know. I really don’t. But I’m not doing it anymore.
Instead, I’m planning to lean into the suck and into the effort. Especially once the weather cools off. And do I have some plans. That doesn’t mean I’m suddenly just building Kittyhawk kits. But it does mean leaning into some more ambitious builds, some more involved detailing, you get the idea.
Dog Days Holdover
Right now it’s still 107 every day. And it’s still in the mid-90s when I get out to the bench at night. So right before Nats I started on an Eduard 1/48 F4F-4 Wildcat. It’s a small-but-involved project I’m hoping to wrap up by mid-September. We’ll see. I wanted to get it done in August, but fucking up the instrument panel and having to wait for some aftermarket stole several days.
I’ve got another project running that I’ll hopefully reveal before too much longer. It’s a LOT of painting work, but it’s one of those where I’ve been sitting on a reference photo forever and it’s time to put it to use.
Either way though, both of them are builds of modest size. Because it’s still hot and because the spiders are highly active this time of year. Small builds I can just bring inside or put in a drawer. I’m still traumatized by the 1/32 HK B-25 and the time spiders set up shop in its bomb bay. That was a lot of nope.
More Naked Builds
Another thing I’m doing is embracing more naked build reviews (the kits, not me, get your mind out of the gutter). I really enjoy doing them, I figure they can keep my construction skills on point, and they’ll let me play with the hottest, newest kits without feeling like I need to rush through the one I’ve got on the bench.
I just picked up my next two from LionHeart Hobby this afternoon.
Stay tuned.
Good man, Doog! You do what gives you satisfaction. We love your reviews and your rants, but the modeling is for you, so you do you and show those fucks who’s boss!
Hey Matt. Totally get it. Been through the same of late. Glad to hear your on the up mate.
Matt, thanks for sharing your personal challenges. Anytime someone like yourself who has placed themselves in the public’s eye lets the rest of us know that your life is not as perfect as we may assume it is, it helps countless people following you. Looking forward to anything you put out there, written or video. Watching you smash what appeared to be a beautiful model years ago helped me realize that I needed to do what makes me happy, first and foremost. Thank you.
Been following your videos and posts for many years now. It’s good to know that you were able to seek and get medical help, and it’s great that you decided to share it. Although I believe that we are living in the best moment in history to treat mental health issues, many people are still reluctant to think of them (and speak about them and seek help) in the same way as one would about physical ailments. So, maybe your post helped someone in that regard, and that is awesome. Keep it up.
Hello Matt, As someone who admires your modelling posts here and on You Tube from the other side of the planet and who has been following you since the beginning i was a little shocked by this post but not surprised as the pressures of the modern world have many ways of making this life difficult, i share your passion for this great hobby and a similar career , all i can say is i admire your guts at putting things online and sincerely hope it helps you recover , stay true to your self and be kind to yourself , Matt the hobby is better for you being in it and please know you have made it much more enjoyable and entertaining for this old man , best wishes to you , cheers Norm
Congratulations on discovering where the fucks were going.
Talking is good but having people around you that listen, that’s the key.
Good old RUOK day is great but we need our culture to shift towards listening for it actually be anything more than lip service.
Told you ages ago dude, go build a ship.
They are Grey, with bits of Red at the bottom, easy paint. They have lots of pointy bits and some have lots of PE (but don’t go there if the fucks are about to come out) and usually pretty simple to assemble.
Kudos and courage to see you getting the situation out with the mental state ,as guys we are generally pretty fucking useless even admitting that we are having issues
COVID fucked a lot of stuff up especially here in Oz
Good to see you back
Congrats on getting your depression diagnosed and godspeed on getting your meds dialed in. As the father of a daughter with depression and myself having recently been diagnosed with a social anxiety, I can assure you there is a better world right around the corner.
High praise for letting everyone know. Maybe you will shine a light on an issue for others who may be experiencing the same.
Last note. I REALLY enjoyed your naked build of the Arma 1/48 Hurricane. That was one of the best reviews I’ve read/seen in a while. My Mk.IIb is on preoder. (thanks alot for that)
Dogs- We all have issues in our lives: Anxiety, depression, addiction, the list goes on. And until recently, mental health was never addressed.
Good for you for figuring out what was going on in your life. These meds (taken correctly), will give you clarity. It’s like having an awesome night of sleep, and putting on glasses when you wake up.
Model building in my experience can be too much: too much aftermarket. Too much research to the point of thinking the kit is unbuildable. Too many critics.
The hobby is about your own pleasure and therapy. And the satisfaction of getting it right- of what you think it should be. It’s taken me awhile to get back to the simple pleasure of building. And not worrying about this other shit.
So welcome back! We look forward to more posts, pictures, and swearing.
We’re having our Nordiccon show up here in Minneapoilis September 30th. Would be great to meet you… Steve
P.S. Used your black basing technique on my Tamiya F-14. Results were fantastic. Thank you.